I’ll never forget the advice that my midwife gave me after my first baby was born. “Plant yourself on the couch, rest, and nurse the baby,” she said. “Don’t really do anything else for a few weeks.” She also gave me permission — no, encouragement — to say no to visitors, unless they were coming over to help with the baby. “You don’t have to play host,” she said.
I’ll never forget this advice, but the truth is, I very much forgot it at the time. Sitting around and doing nothing sounded awful to me. I am the kind of person who likes to keep busy and be productive — the idea that having a baby would somehow cancel that sounded absurd to me. And visitors? How could I say no to my friends and family members who just wanted to come over and dote on my beautiful bundle of love?
Well, my midwife’s advice was spot on. But I didn’t realize that until it was too late. My postpartum experience with my first baby was challenging, to say the least. I had a really tough time breastfeeding at first, and even once we got past the part where my baby literally couldn’t latch onto the breast, I still felt like a failure because each breastfeeding session was a complicated dance of me positioning my six pillows just right and trying over and over to get him to latch.
That feeling of, “I have no idea what I’m doing and I’m a terrible parent” seeped into everything I did in those early weeks. On top of that, I decided that I needed to get back in the swing of things as soon as I could, so I spent way too much time tidying the house, cooking, and taking light walks outside. I was constantly exhausted and run down, but I kept going.
Oh, and did I mention that my baby wouldn’t sleep? It took about 2-3 hours of walking and bouncing him to get him to settle. Then, when he finally did fall asleep, I couldn’t sleep, because I needed to wake up every two seconds to make sure he was breathing.
Basically, I was in a state of high anxiety, exhaustion, and physical depletion. I kind of thought it was normal — I was a new mom, after all! — but it wasn’t. I would wake up in the middle of the night, my mind racing, terrified that something had happened to my baby. I’d have nightmares that I left him somewhere, or that I died, and that he had no mother.
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The anxiety would come and go, to some extent, which is maybe how I was able to brush it off. Plus, I’d lived with anxiety all my life. I wasn’t sure if this was different.
Things came to a head when my son was about 18 months, and I began to have major panic attacks every day. The attacks weren’t even about anything in particular; just this sudden feeling of sheer terror that would flood me as soon as I stepped outside. It got to the point where I was afraid to leave the house.
Finally, I went to therapy, and was diagnosed with anxiety and panic disorder — probably brought on by a bout of postpartum anxiety that was never properly dealt with. Once I knew what was going on, and had someone to hash it out with, I began to feel better. Through a combination of therapy, meditation, and lifestyle changes (like prioritizing sleep!), I was able to get better.
By the time my first son was five, I was pregnant with my second baby, and I knew that there was no way I was going to have the same experience I had the first time. Or at least I was going to do everything in my power to make sure that didn’t happen. And it started with actually taking my midwife’s advice this time.
As I reflected on my past postpartum experience, I realized that not sleeping and not giving my body time to heal had set me up for many of the anxiety issues that were building slowly over the first few years of my first son’s life. Not only that, but I am a huge extrovert, and entertaining people in those first few weeks — having a constant stream of visitors — also contributed to the stress of it all.
So I decided to do the extreme opposite of what I did the first time. I would stay in bed with my baby for at least two weeks, and literally do nothing else. Of course, this time I had a five-year-old at home with me, and a husband who worked full time and didn’t have paternity leave.
Knowing how important this was to me, my husband ended up taking two weeks of unpaid leave from work, because although I could have asked friends and family to pitch in while he worked, I felt most comfortable with him being the one to care for my me, my older son, and our home during my babymoon. We couldn’t really afford to do it, but I also knew I couldn’t afford to go through another bout of postpartum anxiety. (I realize, of course, that this is not a feasible option for everyone.)
At first, it was a little strange for me to spend two weeks in bed doing nothing but snuggling with my baby and nursing. But the truth is, I was able to get comfortable with it fairly quickly, especially after being a full-time mom with no down time for so many years. Honestly, those two weeks felt like a much-needed vacation!
I can’t say for sure that my babymoon is what did it, but my postpartum recovery the second time was nothing like it was the first time. This time around, I focused on taking care of myself and facilitating my healing instead of facilitating the wishes of guests. The physical recovery was so much better. I was so well rested, which definitely impacted my mental health.
Emerging from the cocoon of my bed was difficult, but I had prepared for that too. I had cooked a ton of food during pregnancy and lined up visits from my mom after my husband went back to work. Basically, this time I wasn’t going to be a martyr. I was going to prioritize my health, my sleep, and my mental health.
Again, everyone is different — and I know that for many, having a babymoon isn’t the golden ticket out of a postpartum mood disorder. Not only that, but postpartum mood disorders affect parents randomly sometimes, and when this happens, it’s no one’s fault. But sleep deprivation in particular is a top cause of postpartum mood disorders, so I think making a plan for how to prioritize rest whenever possible is wise, especially if you go into pregnancy knowing you are at risk for developing a postpartum mood condition.
Either way, you can’t go wrong with telling unwanted visitors to take a hike, asking for what you actually want and need from your loved ones, remembering that all your other important tasks can wait a few weeks, and spending as much time resting as your schedule possibly permits. You — and your family — deserve it.
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